Goodbye, Douchebag.

Dany Heatley, is gone. Finally.

Pop out the champagne, and celebrate.

This is the face of a man who has just realized that he is a total jackass, yet seems to think that he has done nothing wrong and that the Ottawa fans should still love him. Idiot.

This is the face of Ottawa fans everywhere.

Basically, we got rid of this:

And got this:

Dany, have fun in San Jose. Really, you’ll find a ton of prostitutes and get an awesome tan.

Meanwhile, all the good people in Ottawa will be freezing their asses of and thinking about how miserable it is without you, right?

This is what Ottawa winters look like.

This is what San Jose winters look like.

Really, you’re fabulous, Dany.

I really can’t wait until the Sens play the Sharks and I get to see Chris Neil pound the living daylight out of him.

So here’s to four years of Dany Heatley. See you around Dany. It’s really ridiculous how much I’m not going to miss you.

On The Bright Side

Okay, I think we can all admit it now. Dany Heatley will be coming back to Ottawa. Fuck-a-doodle-doo. I know. But instead of sitting at home grumbling about what we could’ve possibly gotten for him, we can look on the bright-yet-dim-side, and that is that I’m going to have one hell of a laugh at the home opener when Dany Heatley skates back onto Senators ice -in a Senators jersey- only to have everyone boo him. I’ll put my sign right up to the glass and hope he sees it. It’s going to look a little something like this.

 

=

 

See also: Dany Heatley.

I hate Dany Heatley so much right now, that if he were to come up to me looking like this, I’d stomp on his flowers, and shoo him away. Seriously.

Ah man. I’m going to have fun coming up with random signs I can use to insult Dany every game of the rest of his career. Like um, this one.

 > 

Remember Dany, you wanted to leave this …

And this.

But whatevs, man. Your choice.

Guess Who’s Back …

I am now back safely in Ottawa, with normal food, and reliable internet connection. I know you missed me. A few things happened while I was away, including the Team Canada orientation camp featuring a few of my favorites.

Like Spez. Spez is definitely one of my favorites.

And Johnny. I like Johnny too. I really hope Toews makes the team, there’s something about him that just screams “I’ll win you a gold medal Canada!!”

You have no idea how glad I am that Drew made the try-outs. 

And take a look at my awesome, full of win, Maxime Talbot resembling Photoshop skills on the picture below. Sorry, Jared. Maybe next time when you’re pubescent enough to grow a beard.

Steve Mason for President.

And not to forget the boy with the beautiful smile. Flower.

But there’s also a few of my least favorites at the camp.

Like, per-say, Dany Heatley. He is definitely up there on the least favorites list. 

Oh wait — he’s the only one on that roster that I don’t like.

And then there’s all the good players that you just know are going to make the team. I don’t really need to mention them on here. I’m looking at you boys, Sid, Iggy, Stanley Cup Stealing Ducks, and BAMF goalies.

So, good luck to all, — except you, Dany, and make Canada proud this year.

Dany Heatley Speaks

I’m not really ready to talk about this yet. I’m too busy laughing at all the moronic things he said, just to prove even further that he is, in fact, a douchebag. More on this later.

Ugh.

Almost two weeks into the free agency madness and the Sens have only done three things. Signed Neil, traded Auld for a SIXTH ROUND draft pick, and blew 10 million dollars on an inconsistent forward named Alex Kovalev.

Brian Murray, you’re fired.

And meanwhile, Colby still hasn’t come home and Heatley’s still a douche.

Alex, Start A Blog, Seriously. I Love You

I didn’t know they called Sergei ‘Gonch’. That sounds really macho…I’m gonna name my kid Gonch. It sound kinda like The Hulk. The Gonch. “Hey, Gonch, come here for a sec…” Hmmm…weird.

• I always knew Heatly was a douchebag. To make matters worse, I even told you a couple times, but did you ever listen? NO. Now look who’s a quitter? You should have seen it coming, I mean what kind of a team player just stands COMPLETELY still all game long (and I mean no foot movement whatsoever) and then scores a hat-trick? I dunno how he does it, but those are the signs of a major ass-monkey. Trust me. I said the same thing about Spezz a while back and then look who almost got traded? Luckily, JayJay (my new name, just thought of it now) smartened up a bit, and kicked major foreign booty in the Worlds.
• Johnny Toews speaking french kind of makes me hate him a little bit. Just a little. He sounds like…like…RACINE. ewwy! And he’s all like, “Jambes de grenouille, merci Monsieur, tres delicieux, merci. Aurevoir.” Douche face francophone. Yeah, thats right. I just called Tazer a douche face francophone. Deal with it.
• -al with love and stuff
• P.S: Going to game 7 baby! WHOOT WHOOT!!!! Thank you Jordan Staal. Eric, I miss you. Your wife is a slut. If it weren’t for her you wouldn’t have a record. Your little brother has done time, thanks to you! You have such bad taste!P.P.S (from last message): I’ve decided that Gonch is a too manly name for my kid. It’s also a hard name to live up to. I’ve decided that if I have a boy, his name shall be Marc-Andre. If I have a girl, she shall be Geno. I think that’s an awesome name for a girl. She’d kick ass. She’d be like the schoolyard bully who beat up the geeky kid named Marc-Andre.
• EDIT : I think the people who read underdog obsessed should know about Tyler. They’d be very happy to learn that he’s staying in your house right now and that you wear Jordan Eberle’s shorts to gym class. You are a famous person’s cousin, take advantage of it. If I were Tyler’s cousin I wouldn’t waste a second telling the whole damn world. Now, you can. Do it. And tell him I say hi and tell him who I am, because if you don’t he’ll just think I’m this random stalker person who’s obsessed with him. ……don’t answer that.
• Hugs and stuff,
• Al
• P.S. Did you notice how I said Tyler instead of Tyler Myers? I’m growing as a person! Yay! Cept, saying Tyler Myers is like saying Adam Burish. The Tyler can’t go without the Myers, just like the Adam can’t go without the Burish. Enough said.
• The word ‘Burish’ is kind of starting to sound like some sort of Indian burrito. It’s losing it’s charm.

Dany, You Douche.

Leave us, and I will be heartbroken FOREVER.

TSN.ca’s telling me right now that Dany requested a trade. 

What.

The. 

Fuck.

Dear Dany Heatley,

Leave, and you gain the spot as my most-hated ex-Sens. You carried this team to a fucking Stanley Cup final. Don’t be a Hossa. Don’t think, “Oh, this team sucks, I should go to Calgary so I can win a cup.” Please, DON’T. I don’t know WHAT could make you want to do this. For the past 3 years, you’ve carried this team on your fucking back, and now you’re going to leave them, just when they have a decent season coming up for them? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Did you kill someone else Ottawa-related? Because, honestly, that’s the ONLY condition I could ever see you wanting to request a trade. Sure, they had a bad season, but you don’t fucking ditch. Only douches ditch, and I really don’t think you’re a douche. Please, don’t leave. It’ll break my heart. Shatter it into 52467285627957462 pieces. This stings almost as much as all the talk about Spez being traded at the deadline. But did that happen?NO. Because Spez WANTS to be here. He WANTS to help this team. If you honestly don’t want to be in Ottawa and play for this team, well then, fuck you. Get out of my city. 

lovelovelove?

MM

PS: Just heard “Razor Sharp Ray Emery” just signed with Philadelphia. Heh. They have NO IDEA what their getting themselves into. You guys are really dumb.