Don’t Diss, Bitches.

These all made me piss my pants, just saying.

No idea who made them, but hat’s off to you.

LOL.

Recap: Pitt/Chi

Guess who was booooooooooooooooooed all game? Even in the warmup.

Was it :

a) Cappy

b) An Asian Cowboy:

or c) This guy:

If you guessed c) Marian Ho$$a, you were right. You win a Stanley Cup. Ho$$a doesn’t.

mm , inviting , isn't it Hoss.

A few points on the game:

• The men who speak into microphones, drowning out the real sounds of the game were saying that this is the Stanley Cup Finals preview. Yep. I called this a while ago.
• Duncan Keith’s hair is my emotional support for the loss of Sex Hair.
• Oh yeah, the guy who ruined the Blackhawks for me scored. Meh. The only way he could get the goal was if he dove into the net.
• Billy Guerin had a bitchfest with Brent Seabrook.
• Orpik threw a glove at Jonny T’s face. LOLZ.
• Geno bear-hugged Colin Fraser in a middle of a face-off and starting throwing punches to his face. Not much came outta that.
• There was a lot of this :

• And a lot of this:

• Oh, the Niemi kid was pretty insane. He was on acid or something, cause he didn’t stop moving all night.
• Ditto for MAF.
• One word: JStaal.
• I want him.
• Verbeauty scores in OT. Kay.
• 2-1 final.
• Sid was out.
• Doesn’t count when Sid id out.
• Got a point.
• Hawks got two.
• I’m happy.
• Jordan Staaaaaaal.
• I miss Adam Burish.
• Max Talbot looked pretty god.
• I miss Adam Burish.
• Adam.
• Burish.

Shut Up, Philadelphia, Pens Win.

The Battle of Pennsylvania, taking place in The City of Brotherly Love. Blahblahblah.

First Period.

Power play, no time wasting here, Gonchar to Malkin and then …

1-0

Then Malkin was accused of two of the most confusing penalty calls I’ve seen in all my hockey watching years, leaving everyone like this:

Danny scored a little while after that. Meh. Tie game.

Next face-off, Malkin and Staal are out there together. Malkin pulls out some key moves, dishes the puck to Staal and then …

BAM. 2-1

And then well, you know.  When you see Fleury doing this:

It normally leads to this:

At least it didn't go in.

Second Period.

Penalty Kill, Cookie breaks his stick, then tried to recover by blocking a shot like fucking Superman, block takes a bad bounce and …

boo. 2-2

Danny scores. Wah.

Later: Penguins catch Philly on a horrid line change, power play, Billy G decides to take a shot at it. Scores. 3-2

Penguins take a bunch of penalties, and just when you’ve started to get a little pissed off…

BANG. 4-2

Coburn inexplicably throws the puck at his own net. Ray Emery wasn’t even looking, Goligoski gets credit for the goal.

Toward the end of the period, Crosby trips Hartnell.
Then Staal chases Timonen. Then he slashes Timonen.
Never mind the Timonen interference on Staal that started that whole thing.
Flyers score on the 5-on-3.
4-3

Third Period.

Pens looked lazy at the beginning, Philly was out shooting and hitting them. Malkin wakes up the Penguins by running over everyone. Malkin is my hero.

Kennedy taps it into the Flyers zone.
Matt Cooke gets the puck.
Teddy all alone in front.

Thank you, Mr. President: 5-3

Great play all around.

Towards the end of the third, a few penalties are called on both sides. At one point, the Penguins had a 5-3. Couldn’t connect.

Then, Philly pulls Emery.
Jeff Carter puts one in the back of the net with 41 seconds to go. What a shot.
5-4

0.15 seconds left to go.
All hell breaks loose.
Richards runs over MAF.
Hartnell decides to taste Le Swoon’s finger.
Flyers Fail.

Final Score: 5-4. Pens win.

Happy Birthday, Jordan Staal.

Today, we celebrate. Today we celebrate 21 years of Jordan Staal. Gronk, or Staalsy if you will.  The youngest player to ever score a hattrick, two shorthanded goals in one game, and score on a penalty shot. The 2007 World Championship gold medalist, OHL All-Star, and 2009 Stanley Cup Champion. Yeah, that last one’s the best one.

So here’s 21 beers on us, Staal. Happy Birthday, Champ.

Now let the picture spam begin.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDAN!!!

Look What I Found …

Somebody told me that my Team Canada boys were getting their pictures taken recently, but I hadn’t found them ’till now. It was a long hard search, but after a few hours, I found them.

So here’s an excerpt of my favorites.

Tyra taught Vinny to smile with his eyes. But she’s disappointed with him because he has a hung over look on his face.

B+

Stevey’s got a great smile, but he’s flashing us a bit of a stink eye here. Tut, tut, Mase. Keep your eyes open!

B-

Then there’s Cappy. Most of the fan girls would say he looks absolutely scrumptious here, with his one curl falling over his forehead and flashing a huge grin. However, I’m not one of those girls. In fact, I think he LOOKS like a girl. But other than that, not too shabby, Captain.

B

I think the beard adds an extra ten pounds on Nasher here. Shave, bud. 

B

Look who it is. It’s the ever handsome, jaw dropping, heart melting Patrick Sharp. What a great smile, but I think he went too far with the hair.

A

I was hysterical when I found this. His face is priceless, like a kid at Disney World, and his pants are revolting. Shape up, Patty.

C

He looks like the geeky kid everyone has in their school. Or like he sees that you’re fly’s down but isn’t going to tell you. He’s mocking you. But I like the hair, so …

B

Can you see it? I can. Right there, under his chin. Is that? Another chin? Why yes, it is. Fuck-a-doodle-doo. Mike Green is a fatty! But he has the eyebrows working for him. And the hair … Oh, the hair.

B-

JORDAN STAAL YOU ARE SUCH A TEASE. Ladies, this is what your standards should be. You except no one who doesn’t have hair like his. Or the shit-eating grin. Or the swagga that says: “You bitches look at me I’m fucking fly. I’m a Stanley Cup Champion!” HOT.

A+

Marriage has aged you, Jason. It looks like you’re balding. But you know, you are working that jersey.

B

Bonjour, Marc-Andre. Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir? SEX.

A+

Has Eric done something to his hair? It looks oddly like his brother’s. Maybe he’s trying to remember what it’s like to be a Stanley Cup Champion.

B+

He’s got the “I just got laid” grin on his face, and the “I just rolled out of bed hair.” He’s all grown up. *sniff*

A

Brent Seabrook knows how to make a girl scream. Fierce.

A

Hey. Jonathan Toews. Do me now. This picture takes away every female’s virginity. This picture has Tyra Banks CRYING with pride. This picture has me short of breath. This picture is …

A++

 

Guess Who’s Back …

I am now back safely in Ottawa, with normal food, and reliable internet connection. I know you missed me. A few things happened while I was away, including the Team Canada orientation camp featuring a few of my favorites.

Like Spez. Spez is definitely one of my favorites.

And Johnny. I like Johnny too. I really hope Toews makes the team, there’s something about him that just screams “I’ll win you a gold medal Canada!!”

You have no idea how glad I am that Drew made the try-outs. 

And take a look at my awesome, full of win, Maxime Talbot resembling Photoshop skills on the picture below. Sorry, Jared. Maybe next time when you’re pubescent enough to grow a beard.

Steve Mason for President.

And not to forget the boy with the beautiful smile. Flower.

But there’s also a few of my least favorites at the camp.

Like, per-say, Dany Heatley. He is definitely up there on the least favorites list. 

Oh wait — he’s the only one on that roster that I don’t like.

And then there’s all the good players that you just know are going to make the team. I don’t really need to mention them on here. I’m looking at you boys, Sid, Iggy, Stanley Cup Stealing Ducks, and BAMF goalies.

So, good luck to all, — except you, Dany, and make Canada proud this year.

Some EStaal News

Everyone should know that I have a certain compassion for the Staal boys. I mean, they’re basically the Sutters of the modern NHL, so you have to love them. Right now, I have some breaking news in the EStaal department. Prepare yourself, Alex. His wife, Tanya, is pregnant. That’s all I know at the moment, but I’d like to congratulate the Staals on another addition to their family. Ah, little Jordan is an up-and-coming uncle. This is huge.

Meh (58 Days)

58 days.
That’s all.
58 days and I will be a free bird.
58 days and I may cry a few tears of joy.
58 days and I’ll scream and laugh and swoon.
58 days and the regular season starts.
Thank fucking God.

I haven’t been on here in a while because I’ve gotten easily distracted by writing and reading fan fics. And you know what I realized today? I’m so over all of that. I mean, why would I get caught up reading a story about someone’s unrealistic life? You know, the one where you’re friends with all the Penguins and you’re married to Kris LeTang but you’re having an affair with Max Talbot AND Jordan Staal. Like, come on. Please. These stories would be semi-interesting if they had any real morals or values at all, but they don’t. And nothing about them is realistic. It’s all bull shit. So I’ve stopped reading/writing them for now, and I’m going to focus more on this blog. This is real life, and this is what is important to me right now.

Welcome me back, loves.

Alex, Start A Blog, Seriously. I Love You

I didn’t know they called Sergei ‘Gonch’. That sounds really macho…I’m gonna name my kid Gonch. It sound kinda like The Hulk. The Gonch. “Hey, Gonch, come here for a sec…” Hmmm…weird.

• I always knew Heatly was a douchebag. To make matters worse, I even told you a couple times, but did you ever listen? NO. Now look who’s a quitter? You should have seen it coming, I mean what kind of a team player just stands COMPLETELY still all game long (and I mean no foot movement whatsoever) and then scores a hat-trick? I dunno how he does it, but those are the signs of a major ass-monkey. Trust me. I said the same thing about Spezz a while back and then look who almost got traded? Luckily, JayJay (my new name, just thought of it now) smartened up a bit, and kicked major foreign booty in the Worlds.
• Johnny Toews speaking french kind of makes me hate him a little bit. Just a little. He sounds like…like…RACINE. ewwy! And he’s all like, “Jambes de grenouille, merci Monsieur, tres delicieux, merci. Aurevoir.” Douche face francophone. Yeah, thats right. I just called Tazer a douche face francophone. Deal with it.
• -al with love and stuff
• P.S: Going to game 7 baby! WHOOT WHOOT!!!! Thank you Jordan Staal. Eric, I miss you. Your wife is a slut. If it weren’t for her you wouldn’t have a record. Your little brother has done time, thanks to you! You have such bad taste!P.P.S (from last message): I’ve decided that Gonch is a too manly name for my kid. It’s also a hard name to live up to. I’ve decided that if I have a boy, his name shall be Marc-Andre. If I have a girl, she shall be Geno. I think that’s an awesome name for a girl. She’d kick ass. She’d be like the schoolyard bully who beat up the geeky kid named Marc-Andre.
• EDIT : I think the people who read underdog obsessed should know about Tyler. They’d be very happy to learn that he’s staying in your house right now and that you wear Jordan Eberle’s shorts to gym class. You are a famous person’s cousin, take advantage of it. If I were Tyler’s cousin I wouldn’t waste a second telling the whole damn world. Now, you can. Do it. And tell him I say hi and tell him who I am, because if you don’t he’ll just think I’m this random stalker person who’s obsessed with him. ……don’t answer that.
• Hugs and stuff,
• Al
• P.S. Did you notice how I said Tyler instead of Tyler Myers? I’m growing as a person! Yay! Cept, saying Tyler Myers is like saying Adam Burish. The Tyler can’t go without the Myers, just like the Adam can’t go without the Burish. Enough said.
• The word ‘Burish’ is kind of starting to sound like some sort of Indian burrito. It’s losing it’s charm.

Just A Tip…

Just a tip, NEVER play a hockey drinking game against your cousin who can aparently withstand INTENSE amounts of alcohol.

My head, is pounding.

I have actually labeled a bottle of SKYY Vodka with ‘PLAYOFFS’ written on the side in Sharpie. 

It’s like the Staal Brothers Drinking Game all over again.

Mahjah headaches.

Wicked game, do it Pens!

What a game, what a win.
It was the effort we needed.
And we’ll do it again.
GO PENS.