Look What I Found …

August 30, 2009

Somebody told me that my Team Canada boys were getting their pictures taken recently, but I hadn’t found them ’till now. It was a long hard search, but after a few hours, I found them.

So here’s an excerpt of my favorites.

Tyra taught Vinny to smile with his eyes. But she’s disappointed with him because he has a hung over look on his face.

B+

Stevey’s got a great smile, but he’s flashing us a bit of a stink eye here. Tut, tut, Mase. Keep your eyes open!

B-

Then there’s Cappy. Most of the fan girls would say he looks absolutely scrumptious here, with his one curl falling over his forehead and flashing a huge grin. However, I’m not one of those girls. In fact, I think he LOOKS like a girl. But other than that, not too shabby, Captain.

B

I think the beard adds an extra ten pounds on Nasher here. Shave, bud. 

B

Look who it is. It’s the ever handsome, jaw dropping, heart melting Patrick Sharp. What a great smile, but I think he went too far with the hair.

A

I was hysterical when I found this. His face is priceless, like a kid at Disney World, and his pants are revolting. Shape up, Patty.

C

He looks like the geeky kid everyone has in their school. Or like he sees that you’re fly’s down but isn’t going to tell you. He’s mocking you. But I like the hair, so …

B

Can you see it? I can. Right there, under his chin. Is that? Another chin? Why yes, it is. Fuck-a-doodle-doo. Mike Green is a fatty! But he has the eyebrows working for him. And the hair … Oh, the hair.

B-

JORDAN STAAL YOU ARE SUCH A TEASE. Ladies, this is what your standards should be. You except no one who doesn’t have hair like his. Or the shit-eating grin. Or the swagga that says: “You bitches look at me I’m fucking fly. I’m a Stanley Cup Champion!” HOT.

A+

Marriage has aged you, Jason. It looks like you’re balding. But you know, you are working that jersey.

B

Bonjour, Marc-Andre. Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir? SEX.

A+

Has Eric done something to his hair? It looks oddly like his brother’s. Maybe he’s trying to remember what it’s like to be a Stanley Cup Champion.

B+

He’s got the “I just got laid” grin on his face, and the “I just rolled out of bed hair.” He’s all grown up. *sniff*

A

Brent Seabrook knows how to make a girl scream. Fierce.

A

Hey. Jonathan Toews. Do me now. This picture takes away every female’s virginity. This picture has Tyra Banks CRYING with pride. This picture has me short of breath. This picture is …

A++


 



Guess Who’s Back …

August 29, 2009

I am now back safely in Ottawa, with normal food, and reliable internet connection. I know you missed me. A few things happened while I was away, including the Team Canada orientation camp featuring a few of my favorites.

Like Spez. Spez is definitely one of my favorites.

And Johnny. I like Johnny too. I really hope Toews makes the team, there’s something about him that just screams “I’ll win you a gold medal Canada!!”

You have no idea how glad I am that Drew made the try-outs. 

And take a look at my awesome, full of win, Maxime Talbot resembling Photoshop skills on the picture below. Sorry, Jared. Maybe next time when you’re pubescent enough to grow a beard.

staalbros

Steve Mason for President.

And not to forget the boy with the beautiful smile. Flower.

But there’s also a few of my least favorites at the camp.

Like, per-say, Dany Heatley. He is definitely up there on the least favorites list. 

D049001003.JPG

Oh wait — he’s the only one on that roster that I don’t like.

And then there’s all the good players that you just know are going to make the team. I don’t really need to mention them on here. I’m looking at you boys, Sid, Iggy, Stanley Cup Stealing Ducks, and BAMF goalies.

So, good luck to all, — except you, Dany, and make Canada proud this year.


Some EStaal News

August 6, 2009

Everyone should know that I have a certain compassion for the Staal boys. I mean, they’re basically the Sutters of the modern NHL, so you have to love them. Right now, I have some breaking news in the EStaal department. Prepare yourself, Alex. His wife, Tanya, is pregnant. That’s all I know at the moment, but I’d like to congratulate the Staals on another addition to their family. Ah, little Jordan is an up-and-coming uncle. This is huge.


Alex, Start A Blog, Seriously. I Love You

June 10, 2009
  • I didn’t know they called Sergei ‘Gonch’. That sounds really macho…I’m gonna name my kid Gonch. It sound kinda like The Hulk. The Gonch. “Hey, Gonch, come here for a sec…” Hmmm…weird.

    • I always knew Heatly was a douchebag. To make matters worse, I even told you a couple times, but did you ever listen? NO. Now look who’s a quitter? You should have seen it coming, I mean what kind of a team player just stands COMPLETELY still all game long (and I mean no foot movement whatsoever) and then scores a hat-trick? I dunno how he does it, but those are the signs of a major ass-monkey. Trust me. I said the same thing about Spezz a while back and then look who almost got traded? Luckily, JayJay (my new name, just thought of it now) smartened up a bit, and kicked major foreign booty in the Worlds.
    • Johnny Toews speaking french kind of makes me hate him a little bit. Just a little. He sounds like…like…RACINE. ewwy! And he’s all like, “Jambes de grenouille, merci Monsieur, tres delicieux, merci. Aurevoir.” Douche face francophone. Yeah, thats right. I just called Tazer a douche face francophone. Deal with it.
    • -al with love and stuff
    • P.S: Going to game 7 baby! WHOOT WHOOT!!!! Thank you Jordan Staal. Eric, I miss you. Your wife is a slut. If it weren’t for her you wouldn’t have a record. Your little brother has done time, thanks to you! You have such bad taste!P.P.S (from last message): I’ve decided that Gonch is a too manly name for my kid. It’s also a hard name to live up to. I’ve decided that if I have a boy, his name shall be Marc-Andre. If I have a girl, she shall be Geno. I think that’s an awesome name for a girl. She’d kick ass. She’d be like the schoolyard bully who beat up the geeky kid named Marc-Andre.
    • EDIT : I think the people who read underdog obsessed should know about Tyler. They’d be very happy to learn that he’s staying in your house right now and that you wear Jordan Eberle’s shorts to gym class. You are a famous person’s cousin, take advantage of it. If I were Tyler’s cousin I wouldn’t waste a second telling the whole damn world. Now, you can. Do it. And tell him I say hi and tell him who I am, because if you don’t he’ll just think I’m this random stalker person who’s obsessed with him. ……don’t answer that.
    • Hugs and stuff,
    • Al
    • P.S. Did you notice how I said Tyler instead of Tyler Myers? I’m growing as a person! Yay! Cept, saying Tyler Myers is like saying Adam Burish. The Tyler can’t go without the Myers, just like the Adam can’t go without the Burish. Enough said.
    • The word ‘Burish’ is kind of starting to sound like some sort of Indian burrito. It’s losing it’s charm.

    Just A Tip…

    June 5, 2009

    Just a tip, NEVER play a hockey drinking game against your cousin who can aparently withstand INTENSE amounts of alcohol.

    My head, is pounding.

    I have actually labeled a bottle of SKYY Vodka with ‘PLAYOFFS’ written on the side in Sharpie. 

    It’s like the Staal Brothers Drinking Game all over again.

    Mahjah headaches.

    Wicked game, do it Pens!

    What a game, what a win.
    It was the effort we needed.
    And we’ll do it again.
    GO PENS.


    Judging Those Staals

    June 4, 2009

    So, before my ex-blog was so vulgarly and inhumanely deleted, my friend Alex, commented that I needed to talk more about the Staals. I agree. I love those Staal boys, to death.

    As she quotes: 

    Eric: The Extremely Good-Looking Elder
    Jordan: The Hot Young Superstar
    Mark: The Unknown and The Underappreciated
    Jared: The Unfourtunate

    Oh poor Jared.

    “I think you should put a post about the staals up there somewhere. There are four of ‘em, i mean how cool is that? How often do you get four hot guys of the same blood all playing in the NHL at the same time? Not very often, I can tell you that.”

    “… shine a bit more light on Mark and Jared. I mean seriously, when you say Staal, people think Eric or Jordan, not Mark, and obviously not Jared. He’s unfortunate.”

    It is kind of unreal that their are three, and soon-to-be four, Staals in the league. I think they’re the only set of brothers that have passed two at the moment.

    Ever notice how … adorable Jared is? Jordan WAS my favorite, but I think I’ve changed my mind. Plus, half of them have been arrested, which make them … endearing. Don’tcha think?