Can You Smell It In The Air?

May 4, 2010

Mama and Papa Malkin have landed in Pittsburgh. The entire Penguin’s playoffs change now.

Super Borscht ftw.

Do it, Pens.


What Christmas Means To Me

December 28, 2009

I think it’s safe to say that this is the best music video I have seen in my entire life. Cut out the horrible singing and bad dance moves with the cheesy Christmas music in the back ground, and you’ve got one LOLtastic video. Best part? Jonathan Toews camo at 2:16. He raises his eyebrows and is all like “Oh yeah, this is my big break. I’m in Alyonka Larionov’s music video, betch.”

My question is, how did Alyonka and her sister actually manage to convince all these boys to hold up signs and smile for the camera? Like, really? Maybe they had nothing else better to do. Or, it’s quite possible that Alyonka and Diana promised to sleep with everyone that held up a sign. I would.

Oh, and Geno’s cat? Cutest thing ever. It’s funny, I never really took him as a cat person. Must be the entire Russian thing.


MVP Best Cook. (#3)

December 13, 2009

For the third installment of 71 Reasons I Love Evgeni Malkin we turn back to the ever legendary ‘Cooking with Geno’ segment that Alyonka Larionov, daughter of retired NHL superstar Igor Larionov, did for the Penguins Show a few months back. As if we didn’t need another reason to love the lopsided grinning Russian, he had to go and do this and make us smile all over again. So, if you’re wondering how to make delicious Russian pierogies, or just looking for Geno adorable-ness, I’d watch this video over and over again.

Keep your eyes on the pierogies, Evgeni.

P.S.: For all the Tanger fans out there, he makes a camo in this video as well (:


Recap: Pitt/Chi

December 6, 2009

Guess who was booooooooooooooooooed all game? Even in the warmup.

Was it :

a) Cappy

Sidney Crosby #87 of the Pittsburgh Penguins celebrates with the Stanley Cup after defeating the Detroit Red Wings by a score of 2-1 to win Game Seven and the 2009 NHL Stanley Cup Finals at Joe Louis Arena on June 12, 2009 in Detroit, Michigan.  (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Sidney Crosby

b) An Asian Cowboy:

or c) This guy:

If you guessed c) Marian Ho$$a, you were right. You win a Stanley Cup. Ho$$a doesn’t.

mm , inviting , isn't it Hoss.

A few points on the game:

  • The men who speak into microphones, drowning out the real sounds of the game were saying that this is the Stanley Cup Finals preview. Yep. I called this a while ago.
  • Duncan Keith’s hair is my emotional support for the loss of Sex Hair.
  • Oh yeah, the guy who ruined the Blackhawks for me scored. Meh. The only way he could get the goal was if he dove into the net.
  • Billy Guerin had a bitchfest with Brent Seabrook.
  • Orpik threw a glove at Jonny T’s face. LOLZ.
  • Geno bear-hugged Colin Fraser in a middle of a face-off and starting throwing punches to his face. Not much came outta that.
  • There was a lot of this :

  • And a lot of this:

  • Oh, the Niemi kid was pretty insane. He was on acid or something, cause he didn’t stop moving all night.
  • Ditto for MAF.
  • One word: JStaal.
  • I want him.
  • Verbeauty scores in OT. Kay.
  • 2-1 final.
  • Sid was out.
  • Doesn’t count when Sid id out.
  • Got a point.
  • Hawks got two.
  • I’m happy.
  • Jordan Staaaaaaal.
  • I miss Adam Burish.
  • Max Talbot looked pretty god.
  • I miss Adam Burish.
  • Adam.
  • Burish.

Friday Mash-Up: Summer Edition

October 23, 2009

For the first edition of Friday Mash-Up, I’m gonna let you all in on the soundtrack of certain hockey players over the course of their summer.

Max Talbot partied to this with the Stanley Cup and a few hookers. All summer long. Maxime knows how to live:

Kris LeTang moped to this  while stroking his luscious, silky hair and drinking Jack Daniels Scorpian Whiskey out of the Cup:

Alex Ovechkin was sitting in his pile of cash in Russia thinking about his life, and listening to this classic about his life:

Evgeni Malkin was hooking up with that horrid Russian pornstar-esque girlfriend of his while jamming to his tune:

This was Jason Spezza’s song all summer. I especially love the ‘and divorced’ part:

Here’s his wife’s, Jennifer Snell, theme song, just in case you need to know:

Kay, I think I’m done for this week.

Cheers.


Shut Up, Philadelphia, Pens Win.

October 9, 2009

The Battle of Pennsylvania, taking place in The City of Brotherly Love. Blahblahblah.

https://i0.wp.com/www.thepensblog.com/images/stories/200910/logos/pens.png https://i1.wp.com/www.thepensblog.com/images/stories/200910/logos/phi.png

First Period.

Power play, no time wasting here, Gonchar to Malkin and then …

1-0

Then Malkin was accused of two of the most confusing penalty calls I’ve seen in all my hockey watching years, leaving everyone like this:

Danny scored a little while after that. Meh. Tie game.

Next face-off, Malkin and Staal are out there together. Malkin pulls out some key moves, dishes the puck to Staal and then …

BAM. 2-1

And then well, you know.  When you see Fleury doing this:

https://i1.wp.com/www.thepensblog.com/images/stories/200910/recaps/oct/game_4/mafstick.jpg

It normally leads to this:

At least it didn't go in.

Second Period.

Penalty Kill, Cookie breaks his stick, then tried to recover by blocking a shot like fucking Superman, block takes a bad bounce and …

boo. 2-2

Danny scores. Wah.

Later: Penguins catch Philly on a horrid line change, power play, Billy G decides to take a shot at it. Scores. 3-2

Penguins take a bunch of penalties, and just when you’ve started to get a little pissed off…

https://i1.wp.com/www.thepensblog.com/images/stories/200910/recaps/oct/game_4/tenk.jpg

BANG. 4-2

Coburn inexplicably throws the puck at his own net. Ray Emery wasn’t even looking, Goligoski gets credit for the goal.

Toward the end of the period, Crosby trips Hartnell.
Then Staal chases Timonen. Then he slashes Timonen.
Never mind the Timonen interference on Staal that started that whole thing.
Flyers score on the 5-on-3.
4-3

Third Period.

Pens looked lazy at the beginning, Philly was out shooting and hitting them. Malkin wakes up the Penguins by running over everyone. Malkin is my hero.

Kennedy taps it into the Flyers zone.
Matt Cooke gets the puck.
Teddy all alone in front.

Thank you, Mr. President: 5-3

Great play all around.

Towards the end of the third, a few penalties are called on both sides. At one point, the Penguins had a 5-3. Couldn’t connect.

Then, Philly pulls Emery.
Jeff Carter puts one in the back of the net with 41 seconds to go. What a shot.
5-4

0.15 seconds left to go.
All hell breaks loose.
Richards runs over MAF.
Hartnell decides to taste Le Swoon’s finger.
Flyers Fail.

Final Score: 5-4. Pens win.


-hahaha-

July 29, 2009

Top search of the day? Jason Spezza Douche. Thank you to all the people who searched this. You make my life. 

I was warming up Spaghetti today, when I suddenly had a fucking epitome. Spaghetti, Evgeni Malkin. Evgeni Malkin, Stanley Cup. Stanley Cup, Stanley Cup Champs DVD.

I completely forgot that I had boughten the Pens DVD the other day, and I still hadn’t watched it.

Yeah so, my critique on that? Fucking amazing. They had an entire 10 minutes devoted to Mama and Papa Malkin and the joy they bring to Evgeni and Pittsburgh. Max Talbot’s farewell words made me cry. Yeah. He was that pimp.

Oh, and just to let you know, Pimp is spelled M-A-X-T-A-L-B-O-T.

So is clutch.

God, I miss hockey.

Preseason, come faster.


Following Stanley

June 22, 2009

I apologize for the lack of major updates in the last few weeks, but this has been mostly because I’ve been too busy freaking out about the Pens winning the Cup  studying for final exams. Many people wonder what happens to a hockey blog during the off-season where there’s no hockey. Well, hockey extends further than 82 games and playoffs. During the post-season, some crazy shit can happen. Like, for example, still not knowing who’s going #1 overall in the draft next week. This is the first time this has happened in 6 years. The last time people were this uncertain about the draft was in 2003 when the Pens opted for Marc-Andre Fleury instead of Eric Staal. Personally, I think the Islanders will go for Tavares. Either that or make a trade *coughcough* Brian Burke *coughcough* Don’t get me wrong, I think any of the top-5 guys this year can make a drastic difference in that hockey club, I just think that with all the media/record breaking talent that Tavares has he’ll be the obvious choice. Another think that happens in the post season is the free-agency madness. And I mean MADNESS. On the Pens lineup, a couple of interesting names might not resign, such as Petr Sykora and the American Hero Rob Scuderi. If Shero doesn’t resign those two, he will MOST definitely become number one on my hitlist. First, you trade Colby, then you don’t sign Scuds and Syki? Okay, dude. Redeem yourself. Colby Freaking Armstrong is also a RFA at the end of the year. Do it, Shero, do it. He’s more popular than Santa Clause in Pittsburgh. You’ll be doing your fans a favor. I (with the help of Erika and Roxanne) wrote a letter to Ray Shero, we’ll scan it and post it up soon. It’s really quite epical. So, all summer, you can count on me to fully recap Lord Stanley’s summer. I’ll make sure to be the first to post the pictures of Max Talbot pissing into it, Sidney Crosby proposing to it, and Geno and the Malkin’s eating Borsht out of it. Unfortunately, I missed the NHL awards the other night. I did hear that O-V won the Hart. Psht. Whatever, he can have that trophy, Geno and I are plenty happy with our trophy. Damn straight, Alex, we went there. And anyone else hear the digs Boudreau made at the Pens? Uhm, douche alert! Just when you think you love that guy, he has to go and say something like THAT. Ugh. I thought it was REALLY classy that Max went to Vegas with Geno, even though he wasn’t, and probably never will be, nominated for an award. Whatever, he’s still MVP in my eyes.


That Was Disgusting.

June 7, 2009

Gross Pens, ew. You just blew your chance to hoist Stanley at home, congratulations. I didn’t say you blew your chance to hoist Stanley in general, because I, and everyone else rooting for you, still fully believe you’re capable of hoisting that cup this year. You want it, we want it, make it yours. In order to make it yours, you have to step it up 463 notches next game, and the next. Not only Sidney Crosby or Evgeni Malkin, you need to step it up TOGETHER. AS A TEAM. This is a TEAM, and in a team it doesn’t matter how many superstars or fourth-liners you have, you work together. This isn’t a one-man sport, this is a TEAM sport, so in order to get your fucking names on that cup, work TOGETHER, and god-dammit it’s yours. You know it. We all know it. The Redwings are a machine, built to never change it’s functions. What you have to do id break that machine down. Throw something at it that it wouldn’t expect and make it rebuild itself to turn into a different team. When you’re this deep into the playoffs, you don’t have time to completely redo your structure, which is why when you strike, you have to strike fast. What you have to do is put ALL that shit from the previous game aside and focus on what’s happening in two days. Game 6. Do or Die. Forget that Fleury let in 5 goals on 21 shots, or that you were shutout the previous game. That’s already happened, written in books, there’s nothing you can do to change it. But you can change your fate. Detroit is very good, but you guys have heart. Talent alone never lifted a Stanley Cup, it takes heart and grit as-well. You have heart, and you’ve got A LOT of it, and you’ve got the grit and talent, you’ve got motivation and fury. You’ve got all the right elements, get ready to unleash it on them in two nights. You need to be able to put everything aside from the past games and just say FUCK ‘EM, and do what you can. You have enough to win this. You can win it all. And when it comes handshake time, Ho$$a’s going to be the one feeling like a retard, not you.

Dear Max,

Mon chere, it’s superstar time. Show everyone why you’ve earned that nickname. I know it’s not just because of the car commercial. Score a few. Hell, score more than a few. Get dirty and in their faces. Time to unleash MAXIME TALBOT.

lovelovelove,

MM

Dear Sidney,

Please, show why you’re the fucking captain. Stick it to Zetterberg next game, show him why you’re wearing the ‘C’ and he’s only wearing the ‘A’. Net a few and shut him up. We all know how bad you want this.

lovelovelove,

MM

Dear MAF,

Put the shit-hole game behind you and listen to what Syki said. You’re good, believe it alright?

lovelovelove,

MM

Dear Red Wings,

Fuck you. I had a really great time burning all your hockey cards on my deck last night. May you rot and burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Whatever,

MM

GO PENS !!!


71 Reasons I Love Evgeni Malkin (#2)

June 5, 2009

Even with his lack of English vocabulary, he can make me laugh until I cry. Not in a make-fun-of-your-accent-way, in a ‘BAHA you just ripped Max SO HARD in a language you barely speak’ way. 

That video = highlight of the year.

Evgeni, I love you for your sense of humor, and your sudden comfortableness in-front of the camera. Someday, you’ll perfect your English, and everyone’ll know how ridonculously hilarious you really are.