Stab to the Heart

October 10, 2010

Kris, Army. No offense or anything, but those outfits make you look fat.

Dear Toronto Maple Leafs,

FUCKING STOP MAKING ME LOVE YOU BY ADOPTING ALL MY FAVOURITE PLAYERS.
DIE BITCHES.

Fuck you,

MM

Alternatively, these looks are much much better for you two.

And…


Live Blog.

May 10, 2010
  • LaPierre is a tool box.
  • If this is the Habs standing on their heads, playing for their lives. It’s not good enough.
  • I really don’t know how the tool-box gets away with a cross-check to the head. I really don’t know.
  • We’ve been down 3 goals in a game before and came back to win it. This shit is far from over.
  • Can we just … get rid of these guys? Cmon, this has gone on long enough. Sink them, Pens.
  • I am actively homicidal right now. This series makes no sense. Can we please get rid of these fuckers?
  • I would rather listen to Miley Cyrus everyday for the rest of my life than this OLAY OLAAAY OLAY OLAY SHIT.
  • OLAAAY OLAY OLAY … GET THE FUCK OUT.
  • If I ever go to Montreal, I’m bringing an industrial sized can of pepper spray and I’m going to spray fucking everyone.
  • Change Halak’s name to Haluck.
  • 40 years ago today, Bobby Orr flew.
  • That is off topic. I hate thaaaa Habz.
  • Mike Cammaleri Calameri needs to GTFO.
  • Who’s blowing the refs before the game?
  • WE ARE NOT LOSING THIS FUCKING GAME.
  • THREE LETTERS: MAF.
  • HALAK, FUCK YOURSELFFFF.
  • I’ve decided it was Mike Cammaleri who blew the refs. Fuck you all.
  • Excuse my French.
  • I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT LAPIERRE. HIS VERY EXISTENCE.
  • 4-2.
  • PENGUINS, CRACK HALAK HES A DOUCHE.
  • Enough already. Olay your mother.
  • Crosby sucks, Montreal? FUCK YOU, THAT’S THE CANADIAN HERO YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, SUCK MY NUTS AND BECOME YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY ALREADY. FUCK. OFF.
  • AT LEAST, PUT SOMEONE IN THE HOSPITAL, IDC WHO. JUST FUCKING BREAK SOMEONE’S NECK, THAT’S ALL I WANT.
  • WULLAHHIIIIIII SAAAAAAAAAAARGE.
  • 4-3
  • ONE MORE, MOTHER FUCKERS MUAHAHA.
  • Congratulations, Montreal, you just won the Stanley Cup.
  • Game seven.
  • BURY THEM WEDNESDAY.

DEAR HABS,

FUCK YOU.

WHATEVER,

MM.



We Work Miracles, Remember?

May 8, 2010

Everybody needs to take a breath, and sit the fuck down. One game. One game, and suddenly everyone’s lost their faith in the Penguins? Relax. We’re the reining Stanley Cup champions, and the Habs are just making the second round of the playoffs for the first time since 2008.

Pittsburgh is the better team. We did this, remember?

The series is just tied. They’re not blowing us away 3-0. So everybody calm the fuck down.

The Habs aren’t going anywhere.

Dear Pittsburgh Penguins,

Kill them.

Sincerely,

MM

Go Pens Go.


Been There.

February 1, 2010

People act as if they haven’t partied shirtless with a bunch of girls in a Limo while driving through the streets of Vancouver, but we all know they have. It seems like Patrick Kane, John Madden, and Kris Versteeg all got their share. But why are people beating them up about this? They’re young, rich, athletes, and shit happens when you’ve got tons of money, and a night off. Let them have their fun.

Dear Patrick Kane,

Brother, you coulda at least found some hotter broads to party with, you must have been really, really drunk to have withstood those … beautys?

lovelovelove,

MM


Daily Dose of Sex Hair

August 29, 2009

pens

We really must talk to him about this entire hat thing. It’s depressing. 

hey @MizzMalkin did you see this one on the puckbunny board?

Much better, Kristopher.

@MizzMalkin it's not new but in case you havent seen it...

There’s that bloody hat again. 

@MizzMalkin not sure where i got this one...

I’m just going to pretend that’s me on the phone with him.

Dear Kris LeTang’s Hat Collection,

Fuck you.

Bye,

MM


Is Today The Day?

August 19, 2009

pattyk

Is today the day we find out Patrick Kane will be spending the next three years in jail? Or the day we find out he just has to do a bunch of community service and leaves the courtroom with a free pass? The district attorney in Buffalo says he expects a grand jury to announce charges today against Pat. Lets keep our fingers crossed that nothing too drastic comes out of this. Team Patrick.

Dear Patty,

No matter what comes out of today, in the end, I still love you and you still have fans who support you through every stupid move you make.

lovelovelove,

MM


Marian Hossa: Cougar.

August 18, 2009

Am I the only one who finds this ridiculously amusing? I always knew Marian Hossa was a pervert. Some sort of pedophile cougar. And I do believe you can use the term ‘cougar’ for a 30 something year old man who decided to go to Chicago because the Blackhawks are hot and young
marian

Dear Hossa,
Can’t you molest the Flyers or something?
Leave my Blackhawks alone!
lovelovelove,
MM


Oh Patrick.

August 9, 2009

I know you know. Everyone knows by now. Everyone knows that Patrick Kane is the Chris Brown of the NHL, except he didn’t have a famous girlfriend to beat up, so he chose his Cabbie. Now most people are going to start calling him a cheap bastard, I wont. I love him all too much to do that. Yeah, he punched the guy, and it was wrong. Yeah, he took his money back, and that was wrong too. But he did all this because he was WASTED out of his mind. And yeah, you guessed it, that was wrong also. But it’s not like if he was sober he’d attack the guy over $1.20. I’m pretty sure he’s better than that. Just the day before he was talking about donating to building a rink in the Southern Buffalo area. That’s kindness there. Pat isn’t going to deserve half the slack he’s going to get for all this. He’s a hockey player. And getting wasted is what hockey players do. It’s what they’ve always been doing. So give the kid a break, he’s still learning. And there’s no possible way that the Cabbie could’ve been fully assaulted by someone who weighs like 90 pounds.

Dear Pkane,

I still love you.

Lovelovelove,

MM


Dany, You Douche.

June 9, 2009

Leave us, and I will be heartbroken FOREVER.

TSN.ca’s telling me right now that Dany requested a trade. 

What.

The. 

Fuck.

Dear Dany Heatley,

Leave, and you gain the spot as my most-hated ex-Sens. You carried this team to a fucking Stanley Cup final. Don’t be a Hossa. Don’t think, “Oh, this team sucks, I should go to Calgary so I can win a cup.” Please, DON’T. I don’t know WHAT could make you want to do this. For the past 3 years, you’ve carried this team on your fucking back, and now you’re going to leave them, just when they have a decent season coming up for them? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Did you kill someone else Ottawa-related? Because, honestly, that’s the ONLY condition I could ever see you wanting to request a trade. Sure, they had a bad season, but you don’t fucking ditch. Only douches ditch, and I really don’t think you’re a douche. Please, don’t leave. It’ll break my heart. Shatter it into 52467285627957462 pieces. This stings almost as much as all the talk about Spez being traded at the deadline. But did that happen?NO. Because Spez WANTS to be here. He WANTS to help this team. If you honestly don’t want to be in Ottawa and play for this team, well then, fuck you. Get out of my city. 

lovelovelove?

MM

PS: Just heard “Razor Sharp Ray Emery” just signed with Philadelphia. Heh. They have NO IDEA what their getting themselves into. You guys are really dumb.


That Was Disgusting.

June 7, 2009

Gross Pens, ew. You just blew your chance to hoist Stanley at home, congratulations. I didn’t say you blew your chance to hoist Stanley in general, because I, and everyone else rooting for you, still fully believe you’re capable of hoisting that cup this year. You want it, we want it, make it yours. In order to make it yours, you have to step it up 463 notches next game, and the next. Not only Sidney Crosby or Evgeni Malkin, you need to step it up TOGETHER. AS A TEAM. This is a TEAM, and in a team it doesn’t matter how many superstars or fourth-liners you have, you work together. This isn’t a one-man sport, this is a TEAM sport, so in order to get your fucking names on that cup, work TOGETHER, and god-dammit it’s yours. You know it. We all know it. The Redwings are a machine, built to never change it’s functions. What you have to do id break that machine down. Throw something at it that it wouldn’t expect and make it rebuild itself to turn into a different team. When you’re this deep into the playoffs, you don’t have time to completely redo your structure, which is why when you strike, you have to strike fast. What you have to do is put ALL that shit from the previous game aside and focus on what’s happening in two days. Game 6. Do or Die. Forget that Fleury let in 5 goals on 21 shots, or that you were shutout the previous game. That’s already happened, written in books, there’s nothing you can do to change it. But you can change your fate. Detroit is very good, but you guys have heart. Talent alone never lifted a Stanley Cup, it takes heart and grit as-well. You have heart, and you’ve got A LOT of it, and you’ve got the grit and talent, you’ve got motivation and fury. You’ve got all the right elements, get ready to unleash it on them in two nights. You need to be able to put everything aside from the past games and just say FUCK ‘EM, and do what you can. You have enough to win this. You can win it all. And when it comes handshake time, Ho$$a’s going to be the one feeling like a retard, not you.

Dear Max,

Mon chere, it’s superstar time. Show everyone why you’ve earned that nickname. I know it’s not just because of the car commercial. Score a few. Hell, score more than a few. Get dirty and in their faces. Time to unleash MAXIME TALBOT.

lovelovelove,

MM

Dear Sidney,

Please, show why you’re the fucking captain. Stick it to Zetterberg next game, show him why you’re wearing the ‘C’ and he’s only wearing the ‘A’. Net a few and shut him up. We all know how bad you want this.

lovelovelove,

MM

Dear MAF,

Put the shit-hole game behind you and listen to what Syki said. You’re good, believe it alright?

lovelovelove,

MM

Dear Red Wings,

Fuck you. I had a really great time burning all your hockey cards on my deck last night. May you rot and burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Whatever,

MM

GO PENS !!!