Don’t Diss, Bitches.

These all made me piss my pants, just saying.

No idea who made them, but hat’s off to you.

LOL.

Recap: Pitt/Chi

Guess who was booooooooooooooooooed all game? Even in the warmup.

Was it :

a) Cappy

b) An Asian Cowboy:

or c) This guy:

If you guessed c) Marian Ho$$a, you were right. You win a Stanley Cup. Ho$$a doesn’t.

mm , inviting , isn't it Hoss.

A few points on the game:

• The men who speak into microphones, drowning out the real sounds of the game were saying that this is the Stanley Cup Finals preview. Yep. I called this a while ago.
• Duncan Keith’s hair is my emotional support for the loss of Sex Hair.
• Oh yeah, the guy who ruined the Blackhawks for me scored. Meh. The only way he could get the goal was if he dove into the net.
• Billy Guerin had a bitchfest with Brent Seabrook.
• Orpik threw a glove at Jonny T’s face. LOLZ.
• Geno bear-hugged Colin Fraser in a middle of a face-off and starting throwing punches to his face. Not much came outta that.
• There was a lot of this :

• And a lot of this:

• Oh, the Niemi kid was pretty insane. He was on acid or something, cause he didn’t stop moving all night.
• Ditto for MAF.
• One word: JStaal.
• I want him.
• Verbeauty scores in OT. Kay.
• 2-1 final.
• Sid was out.
• Doesn’t count when Sid id out.
• Got a point.
• Hawks got two.
• I’m happy.
• Jordan Staaaaaaal.
• I miss Adam Burish.
• Max Talbot looked pretty god.
• I miss Adam Burish.
• Adam.
• Burish.

Shut Up, Philadelphia, Pens Win.

The Battle of Pennsylvania, taking place in The City of Brotherly Love. Blahblahblah.

First Period.

Power play, no time wasting here, Gonchar to Malkin and then …

1-0

Then Malkin was accused of two of the most confusing penalty calls I’ve seen in all my hockey watching years, leaving everyone like this:

Danny scored a little while after that. Meh. Tie game.

Next face-off, Malkin and Staal are out there together. Malkin pulls out some key moves, dishes the puck to Staal and then …

BAM. 2-1

And then well, you know.  When you see Fleury doing this:

It normally leads to this:

At least it didn't go in.

Second Period.

Penalty Kill, Cookie breaks his stick, then tried to recover by blocking a shot like fucking Superman, block takes a bad bounce and …

boo. 2-2

Danny scores. Wah.

Later: Penguins catch Philly on a horrid line change, power play, Billy G decides to take a shot at it. Scores. 3-2

Penguins take a bunch of penalties, and just when you’ve started to get a little pissed off…

BANG. 4-2

Coburn inexplicably throws the puck at his own net. Ray Emery wasn’t even looking, Goligoski gets credit for the goal.

Toward the end of the period, Crosby trips Hartnell.
Then Staal chases Timonen. Then he slashes Timonen.
Never mind the Timonen interference on Staal that started that whole thing.
Flyers score on the 5-on-3.
4-3

Third Period.

Pens looked lazy at the beginning, Philly was out shooting and hitting them. Malkin wakes up the Penguins by running over everyone. Malkin is my hero.

Kennedy taps it into the Flyers zone.
Matt Cooke gets the puck.
Teddy all alone in front.

Thank you, Mr. President: 5-3

Great play all around.

Towards the end of the third, a few penalties are called on both sides. At one point, the Penguins had a 5-3. Couldn’t connect.

Then, Philly pulls Emery.
Jeff Carter puts one in the back of the net with 41 seconds to go. What a shot.
5-4

0.15 seconds left to go.
All hell breaks loose.
Richards runs over MAF.
Hartnell decides to taste Le Swoon’s finger.
Flyers Fail.

Final Score: 5-4. Pens win.

Look What I Found …

Somebody told me that my Team Canada boys were getting their pictures taken recently, but I hadn’t found them ’till now. It was a long hard search, but after a few hours, I found them.

So here’s an excerpt of my favorites.

Tyra taught Vinny to smile with his eyes. But she’s disappointed with him because he has a hung over look on his face.

B+

Stevey’s got a great smile, but he’s flashing us a bit of a stink eye here. Tut, tut, Mase. Keep your eyes open!

B-

Then there’s Cappy. Most of the fan girls would say he looks absolutely scrumptious here, with his one curl falling over his forehead and flashing a huge grin. However, I’m not one of those girls. In fact, I think he LOOKS like a girl. But other than that, not too shabby, Captain.

B

I think the beard adds an extra ten pounds on Nasher here. Shave, bud. 

B

Look who it is. It’s the ever handsome, jaw dropping, heart melting Patrick Sharp. What a great smile, but I think he went too far with the hair.

A

I was hysterical when I found this. His face is priceless, like a kid at Disney World, and his pants are revolting. Shape up, Patty.

C

He looks like the geeky kid everyone has in their school. Or like he sees that you’re fly’s down but isn’t going to tell you. He’s mocking you. But I like the hair, so …

B

Can you see it? I can. Right there, under his chin. Is that? Another chin? Why yes, it is. Fuck-a-doodle-doo. Mike Green is a fatty! But he has the eyebrows working for him. And the hair … Oh, the hair.

B-

JORDAN STAAL YOU ARE SUCH A TEASE. Ladies, this is what your standards should be. You except no one who doesn’t have hair like his. Or the shit-eating grin. Or the swagga that says: “You bitches look at me I’m fucking fly. I’m a Stanley Cup Champion!” HOT.

A+

Marriage has aged you, Jason. It looks like you’re balding. But you know, you are working that jersey.

B

Bonjour, Marc-Andre. Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir? SEX.

A+

Has Eric done something to his hair? It looks oddly like his brother’s. Maybe he’s trying to remember what it’s like to be a Stanley Cup Champion.

B+

He’s got the “I just got laid” grin on his face, and the “I just rolled out of bed hair.” He’s all grown up. *sniff*

A

Brent Seabrook knows how to make a girl scream. Fierce.

A

Hey. Jonathan Toews. Do me now. This picture takes away every female’s virginity. This picture has Tyra Banks CRYING with pride. This picture has me short of breath. This picture is …

A++

 

Guess Who’s Back …

I am now back safely in Ottawa, with normal food, and reliable internet connection. I know you missed me. A few things happened while I was away, including the Team Canada orientation camp featuring a few of my favorites.

Like Spez. Spez is definitely one of my favorites.

And Johnny. I like Johnny too. I really hope Toews makes the team, there’s something about him that just screams “I’ll win you a gold medal Canada!!”

You have no idea how glad I am that Drew made the try-outs. 

And take a look at my awesome, full of win, Maxime Talbot resembling Photoshop skills on the picture below. Sorry, Jared. Maybe next time when you’re pubescent enough to grow a beard.

Steve Mason for President.

And not to forget the boy with the beautiful smile. Flower.

But there’s also a few of my least favorites at the camp.

Like, per-say, Dany Heatley. He is definitely up there on the least favorites list. 

Oh wait — he’s the only one on that roster that I don’t like.

And then there’s all the good players that you just know are going to make the team. I don’t really need to mention them on here. I’m looking at you boys, Sid, Iggy, Stanley Cup Stealing Ducks, and BAMF goalies.

So, good luck to all, — except you, Dany, and make Canada proud this year.

Following Stanley

I apologize for the lack of major updates in the last few weeks, but this has been mostly because I’ve been too busy freaking out about the Pens winning the Cup  studying for final exams. Many people wonder what happens to a hockey blog during the off-season where there’s no hockey. Well, hockey extends further than 82 games and playoffs. During the post-season, some crazy shit can happen. Like, for example, still not knowing who’s going #1 overall in the draft next week. This is the first time this has happened in 6 years. The last time people were this uncertain about the draft was in 2003 when the Pens opted for Marc-Andre Fleury instead of Eric Staal. Personally, I think the Islanders will go for Tavares. Either that or make a trade *coughcough* Brian Burke *coughcough* Don’t get me wrong, I think any of the top-5 guys this year can make a drastic difference in that hockey club, I just think that with all the media/record breaking talent that Tavares has he’ll be the obvious choice. Another think that happens in the post season is the free-agency madness. And I mean MADNESS. On the Pens lineup, a couple of interesting names might not resign, such as Petr Sykora and the American Hero Rob Scuderi. If Shero doesn’t resign those two, he will MOST definitely become number one on my hitlist. First, you trade Colby, then you don’t sign Scuds and Syki? Okay, dude. Redeem yourself. Colby Freaking Armstrong is also a RFA at the end of the year. Do it, Shero, do it. He’s more popular than Santa Clause in Pittsburgh. You’ll be doing your fans a favor. I (with the help of Erika and Roxanne) wrote a letter to Ray Shero, we’ll scan it and post it up soon. It’s really quite epical. So, all summer, you can count on me to fully recap Lord Stanley’s summer. I’ll make sure to be the first to post the pictures of Max Talbot pissing into it, Sidney Crosby proposing to it, and Geno and the Malkin’s eating Borsht out of it. Unfortunately, I missed the NHL awards the other night. I did hear that O-V won the Hart. Psht. Whatever, he can have that trophy, Geno and I are plenty happy with our trophy. Damn straight, Alex, we went there. And anyone else hear the digs Boudreau made at the Pens? Uhm, douche alert! Just when you think you love that guy, he has to go and say something like THAT. Ugh. I thought it was REALLY classy that Max went to Vegas with Geno, even though he wasn’t, and probably never will be, nominated for an award. Whatever, he’s still MVP in my eyes.

Alex, Start A Blog, Seriously. I Love You

I didn’t know they called Sergei ‘Gonch’. That sounds really macho…I’m gonna name my kid Gonch. It sound kinda like The Hulk. The Gonch. “Hey, Gonch, come here for a sec…” Hmmm…weird.

• I always knew Heatly was a douchebag. To make matters worse, I even told you a couple times, but did you ever listen? NO. Now look who’s a quitter? You should have seen it coming, I mean what kind of a team player just stands COMPLETELY still all game long (and I mean no foot movement whatsoever) and then scores a hat-trick? I dunno how he does it, but those are the signs of a major ass-monkey. Trust me. I said the same thing about Spezz a while back and then look who almost got traded? Luckily, JayJay (my new name, just thought of it now) smartened up a bit, and kicked major foreign booty in the Worlds.
• Johnny Toews speaking french kind of makes me hate him a little bit. Just a little. He sounds like…like…RACINE. ewwy! And he’s all like, “Jambes de grenouille, merci Monsieur, tres delicieux, merci. Aurevoir.” Douche face francophone. Yeah, thats right. I just called Tazer a douche face francophone. Deal with it.
• -al with love and stuff
• P.S: Going to game 7 baby! WHOOT WHOOT!!!! Thank you Jordan Staal. Eric, I miss you. Your wife is a slut. If it weren’t for her you wouldn’t have a record. Your little brother has done time, thanks to you! You have such bad taste!P.P.S (from last message): I’ve decided that Gonch is a too manly name for my kid. It’s also a hard name to live up to. I’ve decided that if I have a boy, his name shall be Marc-Andre. If I have a girl, she shall be Geno. I think that’s an awesome name for a girl. She’d kick ass. She’d be like the schoolyard bully who beat up the geeky kid named Marc-Andre.
• EDIT : I think the people who read underdog obsessed should know about Tyler. They’d be very happy to learn that he’s staying in your house right now and that you wear Jordan Eberle’s shorts to gym class. You are a famous person’s cousin, take advantage of it. If I were Tyler’s cousin I wouldn’t waste a second telling the whole damn world. Now, you can. Do it. And tell him I say hi and tell him who I am, because if you don’t he’ll just think I’m this random stalker person who’s obsessed with him. ……don’t answer that.
• Hugs and stuff,
• Al
• P.S. Did you notice how I said Tyler instead of Tyler Myers? I’m growing as a person! Yay! Cept, saying Tyler Myers is like saying Adam Burish. The Tyler can’t go without the Myers, just like the Adam can’t go without the Burish. Enough said.
• The word ‘Burish’ is kind of starting to sound like some sort of Indian burrito. It’s losing it’s charm.

That Was Disgusting.

Gross Pens, ew. You just blew your chance to hoist Stanley at home, congratulations. I didn’t say you blew your chance to hoist Stanley in general, because I, and everyone else rooting for you, still fully believe you’re capable of hoisting that cup this year. You want it, we want it, make it yours. In order to make it yours, you have to step it up 463 notches next game, and the next. Not only Sidney Crosby or Evgeni Malkin, you need to step it up TOGETHER. AS A TEAM. This is a TEAM, and in a team it doesn’t matter how many superstars or fourth-liners you have, you work together. This isn’t a one-man sport, this is a TEAM sport, so in order to get your fucking names on that cup, work TOGETHER, and god-dammit it’s yours. You know it. We all know it. The Redwings are a machine, built to never change it’s functions. What you have to do id break that machine down. Throw something at it that it wouldn’t expect and make it rebuild itself to turn into a different team. When you’re this deep into the playoffs, you don’t have time to completely redo your structure, which is why when you strike, you have to strike fast. What you have to do is put ALL that shit from the previous game aside and focus on what’s happening in two days. Game 6. Do or Die. Forget that Fleury let in 5 goals on 21 shots, or that you were shutout the previous game. That’s already happened, written in books, there’s nothing you can do to change it. But you can change your fate. Detroit is very good, but you guys have heart. Talent alone never lifted a Stanley Cup, it takes heart and grit as-well. You have heart, and you’ve got A LOT of it, and you’ve got the grit and talent, you’ve got motivation and fury. You’ve got all the right elements, get ready to unleash it on them in two nights. You need to be able to put everything aside from the past games and just say FUCK ‘EM, and do what you can. You have enough to win this. You can win it all. And when it comes handshake time, Ho$$a’s going to be the one feeling like a retard, not you.

Dear Max,

Mon chere, it’s superstar time. Show everyone why you’ve earned that nickname. I know it’s not just because of the car commercial. Score a few. Hell, score more than a few. Get dirty and in their faces. Time to unleash MAXIME TALBOT.

lovelovelove,

MM

Dear Sidney,

Please, show why you’re the fucking captain. Stick it to Zetterberg next game, show him why you’re wearing the ‘C’ and he’s only wearing the ‘A’. Net a few and shut him up. We all know how bad you want this.

lovelovelove,

MM

Dear MAF,

Put the shit-hole game behind you and listen to what Syki said. You’re good, believe it alright?

lovelovelove,

MM

Dear Red Wings,

Fuck you. I had a really great time burning all your hockey cards on my deck last night. May you rot and burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Whatever,

MM

GO PENS !!!